Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
You Might Also Like
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Sooo many times…..
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler