My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
You Might Also Like
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
What personal space?
My dog