Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”