Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
monday
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.