friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
got so much cardio in today
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet