You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.