A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
*sewing*
A thread
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.