Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*