10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
May have had one breakfast too many
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight