“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Was it something I said?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?