[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You Might Also Like
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack