They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
You Might Also Like
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Sharon, call the vet
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.