where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags