How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Pretty much. 🤣
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling