Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
😂 amazing answer