Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
*pronounces fake like saké*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
This kid is going places
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?