Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.