Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.