Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions