Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.