My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick