One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work