TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.