me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
when someone rings the doorbell
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*