My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Meanwhile in Portland…
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what