I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny