I feel seen.
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My dog learned how to text
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them