ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody