I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
ok like just. call me at this point