Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family