cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.