wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”