the saddest jazz hands ever
You Might Also Like
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)