My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Still cracks me up
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.