Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
all bases covered
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
when u come home smelling like another dog