Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction