My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
#polloftheday
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.