“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂