me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE