whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Word.
~ Microsoft.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Ron is short for Aaronald
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.