Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
How times have changed.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.