I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!