A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Who does Amazon think I am?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance