*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The biggest mystery of our time
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.