“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
#SCOTUS one-star review
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon