My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
You Might Also Like
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad