I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I am laughing way too hard at this.