Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Oh, I bet you would be
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details