My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Holy crap this is wonderful
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Me trying to walk in a dream
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
He wanted to make sure😂
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: