When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink